The End of a Dream

  

Well, we are not pregnant.  I stop all meds tonight and by sometime next week, my hormone levels will be tested one last time to make sure they went back to normal.

I’ve cried on and off all afternoon, and I’m sure I will some more.  I can’t see us trying this again in the near future.  For one, it is not financially responsible when K is not currently working and has gone back to school.  The other reason is that his low count is really what made a lot of this a struggle, and unless that changes, it is kind of pointless to try this again.

So, I guess this is the end.  I’m having a hard time accepting that.  I mean, every little girl’s dream is to have children one day, even if she eventually changes her mind.  But with neither of us feeling very strongly about adoption, I just don’t think it’s going to happen for us.

Part of me wants to keep hoping…keep believing that God can still work miracles.  But the other part of me doesn’t want to live the next ten to fifteen years in a state of perpetual hope.  I just don’t think I have the energy to keep that up.

Who knows, maybe all of this is just my fresh disappointment speaking.  Maybe time will change things.  All I know for certain right now is that this is going to be one hell of a period.  Look out world!

June 29, 2011   Posted in: IVF  One Comment

“He’s only MOSTLY dead.”

  

In moments like these, only a Princess Bride quote will suffice.

So, it turns out that I’m only kinda pregnant.  That’s both good and bad news.  It’s not bad because it isn’t a definitive no, but it is also not a definitive yes either.  Let’s see if I can ‘splain how this works.  They want your beta (don’t know what that means, but just roll with me here) blood level to be around 100; that would show that I’m definitely pregnant.  A beta level of zero would show that I’m definitely not pregnant.  My beta level is 47.  You see the dilemma?

So, where do we go from here?

I test again.  In two days, if I am definitely pregnant, they expect my beta level to double.  The one slight encouragement the nurse was able to give was that my progestrone levels look good.  (This kind of confused me, since I’ve been taking progestrone injections ever since the retrieval procedure, so of course my levels are high…but apparently those numbers wouldn’t be quite as high if I definitely wasn’t pregnant.  Confused yet?)

What all of this REALLY means is that we still don’t know if we are pregnant yet.  So, sorry to those of you who have been anxiously waiting…we’ll just all have to wait a little bit longer.

June 27, 2011   Posted in: IVF  One Comment

We’ve Got a Bleeder

  

My husband has been giving me injections for about a week and a half now.  I must say that he is doing a great job.  After that first hCG shot, he’s had a steady hand.  And aside from the one blood in the needle incident, he’s managed to give me the shot every night without any weird situations arising.

His one fault is that he has started overlapping shots.  Granted, we switch sides each night, so we don’t have two consecutive injections hitting the same spot, but he seems fixated on treating the circles the nurse drew as targets; he wants to hit a bullseye every time rather than use the entire area to spread the injection sites out.  The result was felt, quite literally, last night, when the injection pinched quite a bit.

Then tonight, it downright hurt.  I had asked him to do this one a bit off-center so that it wasn’t right on top of the others, but I think the angle of the injection got away from him a bit (probably didn’t help either that he used a bit more force than usual).  Thankfully, he dealt with my “OW!” like an old pro…without flinching, and continued with the injection.  Then he withdrew the needle.

OMG.

This is where his years of horror movie preparation came in handy.  Blood was quite literally spurting out of my body (the way the movies show it coming out of neck wounds…a thin spray that jetted across the bathroom).  I caught a glimpse of it in the mirror as I turned to get my finger on the cotton ball so that K could start cleaning up, and let me tell you, the image will stay with me for days, but not in the way you’d expect.

It. Was. Hilarious.  No joke.

Maybe it was because I knew that I was in no imminent danger.  (I was pretty secure in knowing that I wasn’t going to bleed-out from an injection in my butt.)  Maybe it was because in these stressful times your brain just grabs onto anything the least bit off-kilter.  I’m also thinking that it may not be the least bit humorous to my dear readers, but trust me, this will be remembered as a bright spot in this whole IVF adventure and will be retold for years to come.

I’m still laughing every time I think about it.

June 22, 2011   Posted in: IVF  No Comments

IVF: Returning to Normal

  

Thankfully, my body is starting to feel somewhat normal again.  My ovaries have finally gone back down in size, and the bloating has stopped.  Yep, that means I can sleep through the night again without having to get up to pee…twice!  It makes it a little bit difficult to remember all the precautionary guidelines I’m supposed to follow; I feel better and want to do more, but I’m still supposed to take it easy.

So, now that our transfer is done, I rejoin the ranks of women everywhere who anxiously await the end of their cycle so that they can take that first pregnancy test.  The only difference is that my doctor and nurses have made me swear not to do an at-home test.  (When those things are wrong, they are almost always wrong in the negative.  My team doesn’t want me to have the stress of a negative pregnancy test when it might very well be wrong.  The blood test will actually measure the level of pregnancy hormones in my system and give them a much more accurate picture of what is going on.)

That means that if you are following this blog, or if I’ve been updating you personally, you’ll just have to wait…like me.

Of course, I also still have to take a bunch of medication, though we are down to just one injection per day.  The other big difference between myself and most other women is that I don’t have the luxury of trying again if this doesn’t work.  I just got word today that neither of the other two embryos were able to be frozen.  So, this is it.  It’s kind of hard to stay positive in the face of news like this, and I really wish K were here right now, but I have to remember that we still have that tremendous hope of two embryos that could be taking root as I write this.

 

June 20, 2011   Posted in: IVF  2 Comments

IVF: In Awe of God’s Creation

  

Today we went in for our transfer procedure.  Originally, K and I thought we’d just be getting one embryo implanted.  With all the trouble we’ve had getting a good number of fertilized eggs, and the issues with the sperm, I figured that we’d better just go into today’s procedure with an open mind.

One embryo was never mentioned by either our doctor or the embryologist.

So, two it is.

First, the nurse got me all set up and checked my bladder.  (They want you to come with a full bladder so that it is pressing down on and straightening out your uterus.)  Too full.  A couple trips to the bathroom later, she was satisfied that we had a good view on the sonogram and a straight shot for the catheter.

Then the embryologist came in…with pictures of our embryos!!!  So cool!  She had photos from day one and from this morning.  She then talked about what they hope to see on day three and explained how our embryos compared.  Three of them were doing really well.  The other, not so much.  Apparently, it was an egg that wasn’t quite fully mature when they retrieved it on Monday.  It managed to come to full maturity in the dish and was successfully fertilized.  Unfortunately, since then it’s development had not been up to the expected standards.

Our doctor came in while the embryologist was talking through which embryos they would choose.  She and the doctor consulted on that while the nurse translated all the techno-babble.  While the embryologist went back to prep the two chosen, the nurse and doctor got me set up for the procedure.

Let me tell you, the set up was much longer than the actual transfer, but even that took very little time.  Once he got the catheter in place, we still had a bit to wait for the embryos to be ready.  The super awesome part was when the embryologist turned on a screen in the procedure room and showed us a live view of our two embryos.  That was a stunning moment.  Right there in a dish are two potential lives…two embryos dividing over and over on their way to becoming human beings.

The rest of the procedure was simple and easy, plus, I got to watch it on the sonogram screen.  You can actually see the tip of the catheter being moved into place towards the back of the uterus.  You can’t actually see the embryos, obviously, but there are air bubbles between the embryos, which you can see on the screen.  The placement was perfect.  The doctor handed off the catheter to the embryologist, who checked to make sure neither of the embryos had gotten stuck in the tube.  It was clean.

One encouraging bit of information was that the doctor said the ease of the transfer increases the likelihood of success, since there is no damage to the uterine lining.

With encouragement like that, it is difficult not to get my hopes up.  At any rate, I’m really praying that one or both of these implant properly, as I’m not sure we will get another chance.  The nurse explained that the smaller embryo probably won’t survive the next couple of days to be frozen.  The other “good” embryo has about a fifty percent chance.  And in case you haven’t noticed, the odds haven’t been very favorable towards us lately.

Regardless of what happens next, today was an incredible experience.  How many women can tell their children, “I saw you when you were first formed”?  How many people at all get to see the cell that will become a new life?  I went home today completely in awe of God’s creation.

June 16, 2011   Posted in: IVF  2 Comments

IVF: The Ups and Downs

  

While yesterday was full of the excitement that they retrieved ten usable eggs, this afternoon’s disappointment was that only four fertilized.

Okay, okay.  So the half they told us to expect still only would have been five, but when emotions are riding this high, any little disappointment feels big.  Plus, they specifically mentioned that the low number was probably due to the sperm.

Part of me feels like I should be jumping for joy.  After all, two days ago we were worried that we wouldn’t end up with any embryos at all.  Four beats zero, hands down.

On the other hand, those four still have to survive (and thrive) for two more days.  How many will we really end up with?  How many tries will those embryos represent?  How many lives will actually come out of them?

Granted, we only ever wanted to have two children…one now and one later (hopefully, the second would be from one of these embryos, which can be frozen for several years), but only having four (or less) tries for those two kids seems a bit…well…daunting.

Again, I find myself trying to simply focus on the next step, and not worry about the what-ifs.  And the next step is to schedule my potential appointment for Thursday and wait for that much anticipated call to tell me how the embryos are coming along and whether or not I’ll need to come in for the transfer on Thursday.

June 14, 2011   Posted in: IVF  No Comments

IVF Retrieval Day, or, The Very Long Nap

  

Everything seems to have gone very smoothly.  The doctor and the embryologist completely downplayed the sample issue, which made me feel much better.  The embryologist in particular was very adamant that he would find viable sperm to use for the procedure.

The one piece of unwelcome news was that the bloating won’t go down anytime soon.  So frustrating!  I’ve had uncomfortable pressure around my ovaries for almost two weeks now and was hoping that once they emptied out those follicles, I wouldn’t have that problem anymore.  No such luck.  Turns out that because my body is still has huge amounts of Estrogen, it will continue producing the fluid that fills the follicles.  Since the follicles have been broken open, that fluid will leak into my abdomen.  Not dangerous…just uncomfortable.  The nurse said it will take about a week for that to stop and that I can drink Gatorade to encourage my body to draw that fluid out.  Good thing K has a huge tub of Gatorade powder.

This was the first surgical procedure I’ve ever had, so it was a pretty interesting experience for me.  First I was surprised that the IV bothered me pretty much constantly.  I thought that once it was in I wouldn’t even notice it, but it pinched until the anesthesia kicked in.

Speaking of which, the anesthesiologist told me that the drugs wouldn’t knock me out completely and that I might notice movement around me and such.  Once they got me all set up, she let me know that I’d start feeling a little funny.  Almost immediately, my hand with the IV started hurting.  I tried to deal with it, hoping it would go away, but after a few minutes, I couldn’t stand it anymore.  I felt like a little kid telling a grown up, “My hand hurts.”  Her response: “No problem.  I got something for that.”  Seconds later, the pain was gone.

At that point, I think I heard the doctor come in, and I kind of started to worry because, even though I was a little out of it, I was pretty sure I would still feel just about anything they did to me.  And that’s the last thing I remember.  Next thing I knew, they were trying to wake me up enough to scoot myself onto the gurney.  Even then, I don’t remember them rolling me back to recovery.  The next time I woke up, K was next to me and the nurse was asking if I had any cramping (which I didn’t notice until she asked) and telling me that once I’d had some crackers and juice she could give me some tylenol for the pain.

Before we left, they let us know that they were able to get 13 eggs, ten of which are mature enough to use.  They’ll call tomorrow to let us know how many successfully fertilized (usually about half, they said).

Oh, and I forgot the best part.  They have these nifty little heaters that blow warm air under your covers.  I totally need one of those at home!  And in the car!

The rest of the day has mostly been spent resting.  I’m not supposed to drive, cook, handle sharp objects, or do any heavy lifting…so pretty much I can just sit on my tush.  I was still pretty groggy when we got home, even after stopping to have lunch, and managed to go back to sleep until after four o’clock.  Now I’m wondering if I’ll be able to fall asleep tonight.

June 13, 2011   Posted in: IVF  No Comments

IVF: Retrieval Day

  

So, tomorrow is our retrieval day.  I feel like I’m  not as nervous as I should be, but my nerves often have a sort of delayed reaction; I’ll probably barely be able to sit still once we get in the car.

The stress, however, is in full swing.  That’s what will make it difficult to fall asleep tonight.  It doesn’t help that we got word yesterday that the back-up sample my husband gave last week was pretty much unusable.  All his numbers have gone down even more, and none of the sperm is the correct shape.  The doctor didn’t exactly spell out what the implications are, but he didn’t sound positive.  He is, however, still planning on proceeding with Monday’s retrieval, so I’m just going to assume that there is some hope, even if that hope is simply that K’s sample on Monday might be better.

I have to believe that God has a greater purpose for all of this…every procedure, every added obstacle, every frustration.  I don’t see the big picture right now, and maybe I never will, but God is in control and the best place I can be is in His hands.

June 12, 2011   Posted in: IVF  No Comments

IVF: Ganirelix and the Very Bad Bounce

  

So, Ganirelix is the med that prevents ovulation while the rest of the follicles get large enough to harvest.  The key to IVF is to closely control when ovulation occurs, thus the necessity of Ganirelix.

Like a very good IVF patient, I followed my calendar and brought a dose of Ganirelix to my second visit with the doctor.  Things were looking very good, and the doctor told me to take the dose before leaving the clinic.  No problem.  By now I am an injection expert!  Plus, this one is super easy…it’s already mixed and in the syringe.  Super!

I get everything prepped.  Swabbed the area with the alcohol pad.  Grabbed the syringe like normal and did a quick, light jab into my belly.

It bounced.

No, seriously.  I didn’t even scratch the surface.  It bounced right off.

Okay, are you all done making cracks about my mutant skin?  Turns out the needles for the Ganirelix are incredibly dull.  Thankfully, I had the presence of mind to do another, harder jab right away, before I completely lost my nerve and had to sheepishly call out for a nurse to help me.  I have no idea why on earth they make them this way, but it wasn’t just this one needle.  All of them were that way, and the bounce happened to me again two days later!

June 10, 2011   Posted in: IVF  No Comments

IVF: Let the Discomfort Commence

  

This is the part that no one really talks about.  I mean, when they were talking the whole procedure up to us, they never mentioned “pain” or even “discomfort”.  Of course not.  They are, after all, trying to get you to commit to a huge financial undertaking.  Plus, the whole needle thing is scary enough at that point.  (Not to mention when the doc broke out the chart showing the clinic’s success rates as well as rates for multiple births, I think my husband nearly passed out at the word “multiple”.)  So, pain isn’t really something they feel they need to harp on.

Then at the injection class, they again failed to mention anything about pain.  And again, you figure, “Duh, they are teaching me how to shoot myself with this little needle, and they are telling my partner how to shoot me with a BIG needle.  Like that’s not gonna hurt!”  Towards the end of the class, the nurse starts talking about  the “last day for ex./sex.  Now, the no more sex part I get–we don’t need things getting mussed around down there when we are trying to create a baby, after all.  (I know that sounds totally sarcastic, but in my current situation, it is a little less so.  There are many things about IVF that seem completely counterintuitive.)

Then the nurse starts explaining why you can’t do anymore exercise at that point.  She explains how your ovaries are going to get very heavy because, hey, they are now producing way more follicles than they are used to.  When you run or do other high-impact activities, those ovaries…well, they can start to bounce.  Okay, bouncing sounds bad, especially for those of us who are well endowed and know what bouncing heavy objects can feel like.  But that’s not it!  She then says that with the ovaries so heavy, they can actually bounce and twist!  ”And then you end up calling us from the ER.”  (No kidding, her words.  See how she neatly avoids use of the “p” word.)

Finally, she does get around to explaining that towards the end of your stimulation cycle, your ovaries will actually be feeling heavy and you may have some discomfort.  (Yes, she did break out the “d” word at this point.)

Now, here’s my problem.

First, she never mentioned that one of the main side effects for all of our stimulation cycle meds is cramping.  Thankfully, I get pretty bad cramping with my period each month, and the cramping with the meds hasn’t really even been on par with that.  It’s more of just a low, dull ache rather than the shooting pains I get with regular cramps.

Second, the discomfort has started way earlier than “towards the end”.  I’m only on day five of a potentially thirteen day cycle, and I actually had trouble getting to sleep last night.  Every time I laid down to go to sleep, it felt like my ovaries were trying to make a break for it in an effort to relocate towards my spine.   Today, I crossed my legs while sitting in a low chair and five minutes later realized that the uncomfortable pressure in my abdomen was being caused by my leg pressing against my ovary.

Third, the injections sites get fairly irritated.  Between the added pressure of my enlarged ovaries and the irritation of the injections, I can’t wear my jeans anymore.  It’s positively painful to have that material pressing and rubbing against my stomach.

Finally, the dreams!  I’m not usually one to remember my dreams, but these ones wake me up at night.  All I can seem to dream about lately are injections.  I can’t really remember anything else about them other than that they were terrifying dreams about injections.

Of course, through it all, the foremost thought is my brain is that this is SO worth it if, at the end, we have a baby.  So, maybe it isn’t such a bad thing that the doctors and nurses never really explain exactly how uncomfortable this is going to get, ’cause I kinda don’t want to know.

June 6, 2011   Posted in: IVF  No Comments